Not all couples experience an exponential drop in their sex lives post marriage- or so I hear. I'm still waiting to meet the couples that continue vigorous and enjoyable sex lives throughout their marriage-with each other, affairs don't count!
For all the men who feel betrayed and the women who feel underwhelmed about the loss of sexual encounters within their marriage, it really is normal, not great, but normal. I can't believe how many men are puzzled and angry because they expected sex to still be on the uppermost section of the couple's list of priorities after marriage. Although, women can be known to put sex on the back burner, but usually because we have all burners going at once, typically thinking about 20 things simultaneously. Sex gets shuffled around on our to-do list; kid gets sick, and sex just jumped several items down on that list or maybe it leaped off the list altogether. Some people even think marriage itself is the culprit for the lack of sex- as if a few vows lower sex drive. If you are puzzled by what decreases the sex life between couples, here's a few hints.
Children- Duh! Especially Babies
Ok, this is the obvious, but still worth mentioning. Children have a huge impact on a couple's sex life. I remember a repetitive conversation/arguments my husband and I had during the many ensuing months after our daughter was born. Our dialogue would go as follows:
Husband: "So am I going to get some (sex) tonight"?
Wife/Me: "Well if that line alone doesn't get me in the sack, what will (heavy sarcasm)? Certainly not a massage, foot rub, you cooking dinner, or you putting the baby to sleep..."
Husband: "Ok, I get the point".
Wife/Me: "I can't believe you have time to think about sex when all I can think about is the luxury of taking a shower or eating lunch one of these days."
The wife is left feeling resentful and the man feels inadequate because he wants some of the precious time his wife spends on the baby. Men can get bogged down from the extra pressure that comes with being a father, but the negativity will only increase if you want your wife to put you before the baby or if you have any other unrealistic expectations from her. While men feel the pressure of fatherhood, a woman is going through much worse. She is learning how to balance time for herself, baby, and husband (and job in many cases).
Another secret I'll let the men in on; Make it easy for your wife to be with you. Don't remind her how long it's been since you've had sex, schedule for a pre-agreed upon babysitter for time alone with her, and insist that your wife has time for herself sans baby or children. Women get consumed, even obsessive, with their role as a mother and if she doesn't get to be by herself for decent periods of time, she will forget the woman inside her- leaving that identity for the role of supermom.
Women have a bottomless reserve of giving, and giving, for their children- it's an instinct. A man will say he is tired and plop himself on the sofa, done with his day. But a woman will keep on giving to her children, past the point of exhaustion. She may not have anything left, but somehow if her children need more or are sick, she digs deep down in her bottomless reserve and gives more.
The problem is the husband wonders why she can't find it within her to give more (i.e. sex) to him- why will she not go above and beyond for his needs? That's not a fair question for men to ask. No competition- sorry guys. Like I mentioned before, if you give her time away from the kids, it will be easier for her to separate her womanly/wife identity from her mother role. If husbands are expecting their wives to easily shut off their mother role once the kids are asleep, he'll be disappointed. Give her time, on a weekend or during the day sometime, to shut off the mother role- when she is not exhausted already. And don't expect to get sex the first week or so of giving her more outings by herself- be patient and show her this is genuinely time she deserves, no strings attached. Even if you're hoping for some sexual favors sometime down the road, you should still be sincere about helping her detach from the kids a little.
Where's the Person I Married?
Aren't we all guilty of accusing our spouses for changing after we marry them? Sometimes it seems they change so much, we lose some of the initial attraction we felt for them. Or maybe we changed so much that our attractions varied as well.
The way a woman views her man is crucial to her sexual feelings toward him. A woman feels most attracted to a strong (not necessarily physical, perhaps stable) and supportive man- even if a woman is strong and independent and earns her own way, she still wants to know her man represents a safe place to fall. Women have an ideal in their head, from the time they were little girls, about the man they will marry. While it's important for women to give up their man in the fairytale, it's also important for men to know what makes their wife attracted to them most and up their game, so to speak, in that category. If she is attracted to your child-like boyishness, find places to go where you can play.
It's complicated in the way that love is unconditional, but realistically, attraction is conditional. We can't give up or let ourselves go. There is nothing in the marriage vows about being eternally attracted to your spouse- sad but true.
Men seem to complain a lot about their wives’ body changing after marriage, usually gaining weight. If you pressure her or concentrate on this aspect too much, then she will withdraw further away from the bedroom, and consequently your chances of sex diminish. Women are very mental/psychological creatures, especially concerning sex. They realize when they've gained weight and it effects them mentally. The best thing to do is be an example- stop eating junk around her or focusing activities around eating. Women want to feel close to their husbands so they will partake in activities or even bad habits, like late-night snacking- just to spend time with you. If she gets her connection by eating with you, then she won't need to engage in other connections, such as sex.
Competition of Needs
There may come a time when your partner says I want less sex or more sex. You would like to acknowledge your partner's needs, but they aren't compatible with your needs or maybe you feel like you can't give more sex unless you get some of your non-sexual needs met.
Typically, women have emotional, spiritual, and psychological needs that must be met before she welcomes the idea of sex with her husband. If her needs are not met, sex decreases or becomes dissatisfying. But how does each partner get their needs met when one is not willing to give unless given to?
The sex is only a symptom of what's really going on in the relationship. First, the needs should be communicated in the most respectful way with your partner- no attacking or blaming. Then work on a give and take program- you ask for a date night or a massage (whatever you deserve or helps you feel connected) from your partner and you will give him a favor (of his reasonable choice) in return. I have to say this works to get things going again and proves to one another that giving and taking is possible. Scorekeeping like this isn't a long-term solution, but it works during the lulls and low points.
Effort
Yep, it takes effort to have a sex life with your spouse, and even more effort to have a good one. Not much spontaneity and lusty encounters anymore. Couples are surprised at the effort involved to just get away from their routine to have sex or quality time that might lead to sex. Sex doesn't just happen when married. Many men are introduced to the idea of fulfilling their wives sexually. Sooner or later if she is not also fulfilled, sex becomes another chore for her, then you can count on her dragging her feet and procrastinating her way into the bedroom. Three minutes is not enough for a woman to even get undressed, let alone turned on.
Men, put out effort, and your wife may put out too. Since spontaneity and lust are pre-marital luxuries, romance is the replacement now that you're married. What is your wife's definition of romance? In addition, pour on the romance occasionally without even attempting to get her in bed. This will demonstrate you have no ulterior motives for being romantic- it's a deed done for the favor bank.
Women's effort should begin with herself- make the effort to get dressed up periodically or do something special for yourself. Seriously, take the time to do something that makes you feel more attractive. For me, that's reading or watching a romantic or sexy book or movie. A little fantasizing does a woman's brain wonders. Now that I am a stay-at-home mom I can't justify spending much money on my wardrobe, but once a month I buy a new outfit or some item of clothing, and wear it, maybe even on date night with my husband, to feel good about myself. Also, exercise gets your blood flowing to all you areas (wink, wink)- even if your goal isn't losing weight, it releases feel-good hormones, which help in other areas of you life (ie. sex life). I really think a woman's sex life is reflective of the effort she puts into herself. Yes, I know it's easier said than done and that's why we call it effort.
It's Not All About Sex
So what are some ways to get things going without sex?
- Masturbate together
- Make-out in a parking lot
- See a romantic or steamy movie together
- Go to one of your favorite date places before you got married
- Talk dirty (over the phone or email is good)
- Touch each other more
- Try a new activity with your spouse- you may see them in a new light
For additional information, visit Dr. Laura Berman's website http://www.drlauraberman.com/public/askdrberman.aspx. She regularly answers and discusses marital issues involving sex.
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